Tag Archive | funny

Why You Must Listen Better

My Grandfather was a hoot! He learned to play the piano at a young age and then went on to learn many other instruments as well. He became a music teacher and even played saxophone in Jazz band.

While visiting him, he always had fun things to tell us grand kids. This was one of my favorite poems he would recite to us. He had many animated jesters to go with the lines. Too, too funny.

funny-man

When God gave out heads,

I thought He said Beds,

and I asked for a soft one.

When God gave out looks,

I thought He said books,

and I didn’t want any.

When God gave out noses,

I thought He said roses

and I asked for a large, red one.

When God gave out ears,

I thought He said beers,

and I asked for two big ones.

When God gave out chins,

I thought He said gins,

and I asked for a double.

When God gave out brains,

I though He said trains

and I said I’d take the next one.

When God gave out legs,

I though He said kegs,

So I ordered two fat ones.

Since then I’m trying to listen better. =-)

*I tried to find an author to this to no avail. Please correct me if you do!

Shut the F-ing Door! Were You Born in a Barn?!?

“Were you born in a barn?” I can still hear my Mother’s voice uttering this phrase…. After us kids were old enough to sass her with, “I don’t know. I was just being born. Where did you decide to birth me?” She changed her response to an open door with, “I didn’t marry the electric man!” or “Don’t let all the bought air out!”

Those nagging comments make their point. Shut the F-ing door! How hard is it to do? You’re forgiven for the few times your arms are full, however unless that is the reason… Shut the front door! Or back, side, garage or even the car door.

My Mother ran a tight ship that had us three children (my brother, me and the eldest child, my father) kept in line, for the most part. She grew up during the depression and was frugal. I also get the concept from a frugality standpoint… I don’t want to pay to cool/heat the world. Let alone the fact of all the critters that can get access to your domain; stink bugs, skeeters, mice, moths, wasps.. Oh My!

My boys, Breck and Oreo aren’t genius dogs, but they have their moments. Breck is smart when he wants to be, and the outcome will benefit him. Oreo tries so hard to understand what we want of him, tiny smoke rings blow out his ears. So cute. Once he does ‘get’ something, he doesn’t forget it tho.

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The kitchen door in the photo goes out to our garage, where there is a doggy door that exits to the yard. This is perfect, as if muddy paws or any other nastiness needs to be dealt with, it happens in the garage. This would also mean that the dogs would need to stay in the garage until a human has time to deal with them…. Not come in when they wanted, full of god knows what!!!

When we chose to change the locks, my husband thought this type of handle would be easier to use when your hands were full. Who knew that it also is easier for Breck to open the door also! Breck understands doors that open by swinging out, however not doors that swing in. He knows the knobs are crucial to how it works, but in his 9 years hasn’t coordinated pulling and twisting a knob together, only pushing and twisting. Click here to see his attempt to open the basement door.

Thank goodness the little one has not learned his brothers tricks. Oreo sits quietly on the step, waiting for us or his brother to be let in.

Since this has been happening, I have been trying to teach both of them, “SHUT THE DOOR” to no avail. Has anyone out there taught their dogs how? I’d love to know your secret! Until then, I will enjoy the fact that after 10 years of my Mother not being on the same plane as me, I can still hear her voice.

© Ilex – Midwestern Plant Girl

Border Collies – The Animal Kingdom’s Meteorologist

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Incoming!!!!!

I rarely have to check the weather to see if a storm is on the way, as Breck let’s me know by becoming ‘clingy’ (Clink-on dog) or hiding. I’ve written many posts about this already…

There is a prediction of 8″ of snow on the way to us. I found Breck hiding behind the boxes in the garage, after I had let him outside and then had a heart attack  when I couldn’t find him in the yard. Thanks, Buddy… not. When it comes to snowstorms it’s funny… He knows they are coming, however he doesn’t freak as much since there is no thunder. Rarely, do we get thundersnows, ie, thunder during snowstorms. Watch the video below about a meteorologist and his reaction to the rare phenomenon.

Cliff’s Version: The ingredients necessary for thundersnow are so exceptional that it’s estimated only .07 % of snowstorms are associated with thunder. In a 30 year study of snowstorms with lightning, meteorologists found there’s an 86 % chance that at least 6” inches of snow will accumulate within a 70 mile radius of the lightning.

I remember the first time we experienced a thundersnow. It had started to snow so we went out to get some energy (anxiety) out before the snow hit hard and filled the yard. All of a sudden a huge, varicose vein of a lightning covered the sky, then a very loud clap of thunder! It was super awesome to experience… well, at least for the humans. The fur kids were high-tailing it for the garage.

Animals might react to incoming weather events and natural disasters wp-1481903109197.jpgby using one or all of their five senses which are usually better than a human’s. Many weather occurrences generate sounds in the infrasonic range, too low for humans to hear, however well within the range of many animal species.

Scientists have observed animals being effected by barometric pressure and sound waves. Sea birds are frequently noted flying inland when the pressure drops before a storm.

I do believe animals can sense many types of weather or natural disasters. Read here about the animals in the area of the Asiatic tsunami of December 2004. Animals don’t think about paying bills, having the latest android, if they should dye their gray hair, quit their job… They only need to think about survival; food, water, shelter, procreation, safety. When that’s all you have to think about, you get good at learning about these things. Stupid humans… why do we clutter ourselves so??

© Ilex – Midwestern Plant Girl

Another Dog Dilemma for the Oreo

Oreo can’t get enough tennis balls. He loves to chew, chase and de-fuzz them!

Normally, we keep all the dog toys in the white rack on the wall where he may be able to see them, however not get to them. He knows they are there, and when he want’s to play, he will sit in front of it and stare at the rack. This time he noticed there was a ball near the rack that he could reach. He didn’t understand it was on a rope!

I’ll have more info about this ‘ball on a rope’ in an upcoming post. For now, just enjoy and laugh at the poor, ‘lil guy!!

Previous Dilemma’s in a Dog’s Life  1 2345 – 6

 

© Ilex – Midwestern Plant Girl

Don’t Let Friends Drive Drunk or Forgetful Friends Either…

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Look at the door handle closely…

I follow a traffic cop in Southern California by the name of Badge 415. He posts some funny shyt! This situation made me think of him…

I pulled into the parking lot of the local strip mall, containing a hardware store, where I was going, along with other stores and of course, a bar. It was early on a Sunday, and the bar was not open yet. This would lead me to believe that this car was a left over from Saturday night. I could go on and on about all the stories my brain was coming up with for the situation…

Did the driver get tackled by his buddy right as he placed the keys in the door and his friend drove him home?

Did the driver put his keys in the door, hick-upped and then thought he lost his keys and walked home?

Alien abduction?

The smell of the Taco Bell grabbed his attention and led him down the block?

How did he get into his house without his keys?

I’ll go back to alien abduction. Final Answer.


© Ilex – Midwestern Plant Girl

Halyomorpha halys ~ Brown Marmorated Stink Bug

imageThe Brown marmorated stink bug (BMSB) is a true bug in the insect family Pentatomidae. It is an agricultural pest in its native range of China, Japan, Korea and Taiwan. Recently (in 2000), the BMSB has become a serious pests of fruit, vegetables and farm crops in the Mid-Atlantic region and it has been spotted in other states as well.

As with all true insects, it feeds by using its proboscis to pierce the host plant. The BMSB feeds on many ornamental plants, weeds, soybeans, corn, peppers, tomatoes, tree fruits and berries. Their feeding on tree fruits such as apples or peaches results in damage called, “cat facing,” and renders the fruit unmarketable.

Here in the U.S., there are generally only one generation hatched per summer, however in their native range, 4 to 6 generations could hatch in a season.

The BMSB also likes to share your warm home with you in the winter. Just like ladybugs and boxelder bugs, they will flock near your doors, waiting for you to open one just long enough for them to fly in.

As their name states their business quite clearly, don’t smash these guys or vacuum them up while removing them from your home. I use the ‘cup and card’ method of catching them and throwing them outside to avoid the smell!


© Ilex – Midwestern Plant Girl

How to Have Fun With Telemarketers

dr who telemarketerI work for a very small company. During the season, I’m generally the only one in the office. That means I’m also the receptionist. It’s kind of a pain in the ass, as I need to focus on my work. Because of this, I do pre-screen the calls. If the call is not a local area code, I don’t answer, same for those clients that pester me hourly… “Got that quote ready yet?” Hmmm, no and did I see 13 feet or 13 1/2 wide on your patio?

Occasionally, I’ll be waiting for a call and need to answer them all. Usually, this is when a telemarketer will slip in. Last week, I got a guy that called every day, Tony, from Diamond Blade Warehouse asking for my boss. I asked him politely the third time he called to remove us from the list. The next day, he said he was from DBW, I told him nice try and if he called again, I would call and complain to his boss.

Although we have the donotcall.gov, this does not mean they won’t call you. Sadly, businesses are not allowed to register, either. We’re stuck with this crap.

I had to figure out something to do about these stupid calls. Instead of hanging-up on these annoying folks, I felt wasting their time was a better thing to do. Not allowing them to move on to the next person, who might just be a sucker and buy something from them is the best thing I could do. It’s also fun to get some angst and anger out on a complete stranger. 😉

I searched the web for ideas others have had and here’s what I found:

  • Pretend the connection is bad and you can’t hear them. You can even say things like “I think…. connect…for to…. wanted a big… always pay… charge my battery… Can you hear me?” pretending the line is a bad line. Since they’re most likely calling from overseas anyways, this is fairly common. If you can play this game for 3 minutes, you’re doing pretty good.
  • Talk over them like there’s a delay in the line. As soon as they start to speak, talk over them and tell them there’s a really bad echo on the line. See how long you can keep going that before they hang up on you.
  • Pretend you’re someone else, like characters from your favorite TV show. Tell them about your day and pretend you’re in the last episode you watched. Most of the people in overseas call centers will have never seen the show, so they’ll have no idea.
  • Pretend you know the person calling. Act like you were expecting the call and that you think the other person is your friend playing a practical joke on you. “Come on Joe, I know it’s you. Stop with the crazy accent.”
  • Pretend you’re a telemarketer too.Tell them that this call may be recorded for training purposes. Try to sell them the latest in headset equipment for call centers.
  • Pretend there are 3 or 4 different people in the house and after they talk for a few minutes, tell them they need to talk to your dad, or your sister or your psychiatrist, or your lawyer.  See how many times you can pass the phone to the “next person”.
  • Tell them that a customer just walked in, but you are interested in what they just said. Then put the phone down for 2 minute
  • Just keep asking questions about what they’re trying to sell.

© Ilex ~ Midwestern Plant Girl